April 21, 2009

A Little House Whine

It has been a while since I have written anything of substance here (I apologize for all the photo filler) so I’ll try to catch up on life as I know it. The last days I have felt untethered, uneasy, bleak. I was too ill to attend the Pascha service Saturday night and that really compounded the problem. This does not feel like Bright Week.

I have really been feeling poorly. Very little sleep, nausea, abdominal pain, headaches, cold sweats. I threw up on the way home from dropping my daughter off at school this morning. I went to the hospital for blood tests but it is not my pancreas flaring up so we have no idea what the problem is now. The fast is over but I have no appetite.

I will be manning a booth at the annual Crawfish Festival this weekend (if I feel up to it) putting my photos on display for perusal and for sale. I can take a decent photograph but on the technical side I am not very knowledgeable. I am much more comfortable with writing. I have done a lot of it, I know what I am doing and I can speak about it intelligently. Writing takes times. It forces me to think, to know what I mean and how I feel. It is my first love, my sanctuary. I see myself as a writer and not yet as a photographer.

I am trying to deepen my knowledge of photography but there is so much to learn. I have found a mentor and that helps a great deal but I am still flying blind. I also don’t like having to man a booth like this. It is my nature to be shy and keep to myself. This venue forces me and my attempts at art to be on display all day. Thousands of people will be there and I will be nervous the whole day. Even if I sell every photo we will still not break even on the cost of prints, frames, etc. I feel guilty taking money for this out of our already depleted coffers.

I would love for my wife to be able to stay home and not work. It would make her very happy. But she is the primary breadwinner and even if I found full time work she would still have to work. I am drawing unemployment and it helps but many of the bills are behind or stay unpaid. One of my dreams is coming true (trying my hand at making a living as an artist) at the price of crushing hers. We have prayed over this for years and change has not come.

Because of my job situation we are looking at some other options for our daughter who will be a fifth grader next year. She is in her third year at a private Montessori school. This is a very important issue for us and it greatly increases the stress load.

But having said all that life is good. The Lord continues to bless us, we have a wonderful family and a good home. My mother is doing much better and is finally back home. Please pardon my candor and my whining. As always I covet your prayers.

There are a few new photos at The Bosom Serpent.


Fr. James Early said...

I'm sorry that you have been feeling so poorly lately. Know that you will be in my prayers.

elizabeth said...

Lord have mercy. This is hard, esp. the balance of dreams and reality. I am struggling with this also. May God help us!

DebD said...

You are carrying a lot of burdens. Prayers for you and the family.

Anonymous said...

My prayers ascending from Down Under.

s-p said...

May you find the balance you and your wife need to live both in what you dream and what is required. The altars of marriage are empty, it is voluntary to climb onto them and sacrifice ourselves.